During the Vietnam War, 20% of all American troops were addicted to heroin. The US government was so alarmed by the prospect of thousands of addicts being re- introduced into the American public, that they created a new office just to help with the transition.

After all, heroin is incredibly addictive. Most addicts that go through rehab have a 90% chance of becoming addicted again.But guess what happened. The soldiers didn’t need any rehab. In fact 95% of the addicted soldiers just stopped cold turkey when they got home.

Here’s the explanation from Johann Hari in a recent Ted talk. He says,
“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. the opposite of addiction is connection.” - Johann Hari author of “Chasing the Scream: Te First and Last Days of the War on Drugs”

For those Vietnam soldiers, those individuals go back into lives with relationships and purpose...and they don’t carry on with their addiction.

He explains it like this, “Human beings have a natural and innate need to bond, and when we’re happy and healthy, we’ll bond and connect with each other, but if you can’t do that, because you’re traumatized or isolated or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief. Now, that might be gambling, that might be pornography, that might be cocaine, that might be cannabis, but you will bond and connect with something because that’s our nature. That’s what we want as human beings.” Johann Hari

You might ask now well, why so much addiction in our society now? Aren’t we more connected to each other than ever before? Yes. But 1000 Facebook friends do not make actual friends. Listen once more to Johann Hari. He says, “If you have a crisis in your life, you’ll notice something. It won’t be your Twitter followers who come to sit with you. It won’t be your Facebook friends who help you turn it round. It’ll be your flesh and blood friends who you have deep and nuanced and textured, face-to- face relationships with,”

Statistically, over the last 60 years, most people have moved from having somewhere around 5 close friends, to having somewhere between 0 & 1. While the average amount of square footage in our homes has been on a steady rise.

So we’ve traded friends for square footage and the result is one of the loneliest societies the world has ever known. Lonely people living in big houses...on their phones....looking at pictures of their 1,576 Facebook friends.

We are addicted to on-line connection. But those connections aren’t providing for us what true friendships do. None of us are really going much deeper than looking at pictures of people on our computer. So these on-line profiles have become replacements for the friendships we’re supposed to have.

Most of us don’t really see friendship as that important. We have family. Or we have a spouse...or we have co-workers...and everything else is just extra.

But friendship is not one of life’s extras...rather, you have a deep need in your life to both HAVE a friend...and BE a friend. The problem is, most of us don’t even know what a friend is.

That’s what I hope you learn today.

1 Samuel 18:1-4

As soon as [David] had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father's house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.

David is described in the Bible as “a man after God’s own heart”...and he also had the most profound friendship in the Bible....that’s no coincidence. Also his son Solomon, wrote a veritable manual on Friendship called “Proverbs”...surely much of which was passed down to him from David. So, we’re going to look at David’s close friendship with Jonathan and some of Solomon’s Proverbs today to show you what true friendship is and why its so important.

1) Friends are made shoulder to shoulder, not eye to eye.

Before I show you the practices of true friendship, I want to show you its foundation. Look at verse 1. I think the very first question I had when I read this passage was, “Seriously?!?! Jonathan hears David talk to his father King Saul and just like that... bam! He loved him like his own soul?” I don’t think that's how friendships happen. We typically don't just look at a person and go, “That’s my Best Friend right there.” And most people that do end up with a restraining order.

So what’s going on here? Well, there’s a couple of things you need to know about David and Jonathan. Jonathan has been longing to find someone who is as passionate about the LORD as he is. See, Jonathan’s dad is King Saul. And King Saul started out as a king that everybody thought was going to fulfill their wildest dreams. He had some military victories. He even looked the part. He was tall and handsome, you know, the kind of thing that guarantees a good politician.

But King Saul, wasn’t brave. He was a coward. In fact, his Vietnam was the Philistines. The Philistines were Israel’s greatest enemy. For most of Saul’s tenure as King, there was a constant battle going on with the Philistine army. 1 Samuel chapter 14, Israel had no weapons and the Philistines had an arsenal, all of Israel had retreated, in fact most of them were hiding in caves and holes...some of them had even crossed over to help the enemy. Even King Saul was hiding in a cave. Well, Jonathan was sick of hiding. So look what he does.

1 Sam 14:6-7

Jonathan said to the young man who carried his armor, “Come, let us go over to the garrison of these uncircumcised. It may be that the LORD will work for us, for nothing can hinder the LORD from saving by many or by few.” And his armor-bearer said to him, “Do all that is in your heart. Do as you wish. Behold, I am with you heart and soul.”

See, Jonathan recognized that he was working with the LORD. He recognized God’s sovereignty and God’s desire to bring about his promises...and that was much more important than ensuring his personal safety. So he was ready to go on the attack. And then look at Jonathan’s Armor bearer. Sounds a lot like the way Jonathan felt about David, doesn’t it?

So, with his Armor Bearer’s “heart and soul” support, Jonathan goes right into the middle of the Philistine army, against incredible odds, and takes out 20 of their men right away...then God multiplies their effort...and causes and earthquake...and the whole Philistine army runs and hides. At the news of the Philistines retreat, the rest of Israel comes out of hiding and chases down the Philistines.

Here’s what I want you to see.

When all of Israel was overtaken by fear, Jonathan went out on behalf of the whole country...and God used his small faith to overcome the whole Philistine army. But a huge key in that, was Jonathan’s armor bearer saying, “I’m with you heart and soul.”

Now, fast forward to these verses. This is chapter 18, Do you know what happened just before this, in chapter 17? The famous story of David defeating the Philistine giant Goliath. In fact, it's a similar scenario to the one we just read. The whole Israelite army, led by King Saul, is shaking in their boots, because the Philistines have a secret weapon. This giant warrior named Goliath. So David, who is at best a teenager, goes to Saul and says, “I’ll fight this guy....because God is doing something and I’m going out to fight with him, for his mission.”

And look what Saul says. He doesn’t say, “That was inspiring, David. I’m with you heart and soul. Lets go take down Goliath.” Nope. You know what he says. He says exactly what you’d expect a coward to say...He says, “God bless, I’ll be praying for you.”

Of course, David goes on to defeat Goliath and in a near carbon copy of Jonathan’s victory, the entire Israelite army, because someone stepped up on their behalf, overcomes their fear, chases down the Philistines, and wins the battle.

So now, you can understand that when Jonathan sees David in chapter 18, he is looking at a rare person who shares his passion, shares his ultimate goal, of making God’s name famous...and in the face of great odds, risking life and limb to do so.

Jonathan has experienced someone who was with him heart and soul for that purpose...and in David, he sees someone...that is alone...and needs a Heart and Soul Sidekick and because of that. His soul is knitted to David.

See, the basis of true friendship is not finding someone who makes you laugh, or makes you feel good about yourself. Its not even finding someone you like to hang out with a lot. Its not seeing eye to eye with someone...its lining up shoulder to shoulder.

The foundation of friendship is giving yourself to someone that shares the same ultimate goal.

Its like a buddy-cop movie. You remember these? Beverly Hills Cop. Rush Hour. Lethal Weapon. Ride Along. The way these movies always go is you get two cops who are paired up as partners but they are complete opposites. One guy is young, the other old. One guy is by the book, the other breaks all the rules. One is a playboy, the other a family man.

You know what happens at the end of all these films? The two guys who are so opposite are bound together as friends forever because of the mission they went on. They had to defeat the crime boss together, they had to take down the mafia, bust up the drug lord. Ultimately, through all their differences, they were bound together by a mission.

Two people headed to the same destination, have great potential to be friends, no matter how different they are, and two people that are nearly identical in preferences, but whose lives are completely about different purposes....well, they won’t be friends...not true friends. They can be acquaintances...They can use one another, but they will never give themselves to the other person heart and soul... they will not knit themselves to one another.

See, our culture is obsessed with Romance. But friendship isn’t important. That’s why all our magazines don’t carry headlines about friends, but about who is dating who...and what celebrities just broke up.

But friendship is fundamental to marriage. That's why you have a command in Scripture that a believer should not marry a person who doesn’t trust Jesus. Because if your ultimate purpose isn’t the same, eventually, you’ll pull each other apart going in different directions.

Lovers spend their time gazing eye to eye and talking about the love they have for each other. But how many times do you sit with your closest friend and talk about how great it is to be their friend...while you share a single milkshake with 2 straws?

Friends spend their time shoulder to shoulder rarely talking about their friendship, because they have a greater goal. And so they serve one another heart and soul to reach that goal together.

If your marriage is built on romantic, giddy love or raw sexual desire...it will not stand. But if its built on true friendship...shoulder to shoulder aimed at the glory of God...well...bring on Goliath.

Likewise, this says something to my single brothers and sisters. Friendship is not secondary to marriage. Marriage is based on friendship. That means, if the Lord has it for you that you never get married, you will not miss one of the most profound human relationships there is...friendship. So married people....don’t cut single folks out of your life. They need your friendship...and you need their friendship and, BTW, if you happen to be doing the dating thing...a quick piece of advice. Don’t aim for romance then try to build a friendship. Aim for friendship that’s aimed at the LORD, and let romance build later.

Now, that you know what friendship is built on, lets look at what it means to be a “heart and soul” friend. Once I’m shoulder to shoulder with someone, what’s next? What do I do?

Friends are steadfast and open.

You remember a couple of weeks ago when we were talking about marriage in the context of Gen 2, and we looked at this verse about Adam & Eve? The Bible says they were “naked & unashamed” Now, in marriage that happens figuratively AND literally.

In Friendship....and I’m going to emphasize this heavily...especially to MY friends... in friendship, you only get naked FIGURATIVELY!!! A couple of weeks ago we described Naked and Unashamed as being FULLY KNOWN...that’s nakedness....and FULLY LOVED...that's unashamed.

This time we’ll cast the same idea as being steadfast and open. Because remember, marriage is built on friendship. Which means if the foundation of marriage is being naked and unashamed...so it must be crucial to friendship. Take a look at David and Jonathan again.

Jonathan’s first move was commitment. His first move was to tell David that he wasn’t moving. That’s what it means to be steadfast. It means to be firm. It means you aren’t going anywhere. So, Jonathan entered into a covenant with David.

See, he offered his friend unconditional love. This covenant is saying, “I promise you, that I am totally for you. I will always be here for you. I am committing myself to your good. You can count on me.”

Now, here’s what this doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean they hang out a lot. It doesn’t mean they spend every day together, it doesn’t mean they live with each other. You know why? Because David’s son Solomon wrote this Proverb, which is wisdom he was probably taught by his Dad David.

Proverbs 25:17

Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor's house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.

(I already see a lot of you writing that down to pass it on to a friend you want to “bless”)

A lot of you think that your friends are defined by who you hang out with the most. Not so. That may be who is influencing you the most, it may be who you laugh with the most, but it doesn’t mean they are your friends. Likewise, just because you don’t see someone often doesn’t mean they aren’t your friend.

Take a look at Proverbs 17:17.

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.

A friend is steadfast. He’s not there all the time, he or she is there in all KINDS of times. Up, down. Bad, good. They don’t simply cling to you in prosperity and abandon you in adversity. In fact, a lot of times your friends are revealed in times of adversity.

By the way, this is one of the reasons why we have “Covenant membership” here at City Church. The church is very much a group of friends. We make promises to each other as we shoulder to shoulder pursue a goal to glorify God. We want to love each other unconditionally, and truly be for one another’s good as we pursue Jesus together. Friends aren’t always around, but they are there for each other in every season. That’s why when Johann Hari discovered that drug addicts are often missing real friends...He says our personal response needs to be “I love you whether you’re using or you’re not. I love you, whatever state you’re in, and if you need me, I’ll come and sit with you because I love you and I don’t want you to be alone or feel alone.” Love isn’t all we need...but it certainly is what we need most.

So, Friends are Steadfast. They are also open. They don’t let you down, but they do let you in. To be open means that you are vulnerable and this is where friendship gets really scary. This is also where all our social technologies are teaching us the wrong things about friendship. When I text you...when I post on Facebook, Instagram, twitter...by default I’m crafting myself. I’m deciding how to edit myself, how to put together the perfect reply, how to give you an image I want to project.

Can people do this face to face? Yes. But not in nearly the same way. For one, you get to see my body language. You get to see my facial expressions. Face to face, you’ll always see more about me and what I really think, what I really believe...than you ever can by picking apart a text message thread. Because I’m more than just my thoughts. I am all of me. Physical, spiritual, and emotional. I am, quite literally heart and soul. A text can’t show that like a face to face conversation does. The second reason that its really difficult to put on a front when I’m face to face... is because think how awkward our conversation would be if we talked like we texted. You’d ask me “How are you feeling after you and Keva had that fight?” I start talking....three little bubbles appear over my head...then they disappear. Then 10 minutes later...I start to talk again....but again...only bubbles. They disappear again. Then finally I say, “Keva is my wife and I will only love her as Christ loved the church. Thank you for asking. We are doing really well now.”

See, you don’t get away with that face to face. I’m forced to be more open with you, more vulnerable, more honest. I can craft a statement in the moment. You'd call me on that. Those three bubbles wouldn’t have been there. Instead you would have gotten the raw me. You would have heard my heart...which probably would have been ugly...but it would have been true. But, via text...you get what I want you to hear.

Listen, Its hard to be a friend mainly by text. Because friends have to be open. Vulnerable. Look at Jonathan in 18:4. He takes all his armor off. He puts away his sword and his armor. Do you know why he did that? Jonathan is the son of the King. He is supposed to inherit the throne, but when he does this, he is recognizing something God has already said. That David will be the next King of Israel.

Think how humbling this is. He doesn’t look at David and bring defensiveness. He doesn’t say, “Don’t you know I’m the prince...if you are gonna be King, you are gonna have to go through me.” No, Jonathan was saying to David “You are my friend, so I don’t want to be known as Prince Jonathan...to you, I’m Jonathan. And you my friend...are the next king.” He is humbling himself to lift up David. He’s opening himself. This is incredibly vulnerable. Jonathan is getting rid of everything he could defend himself with, and he’s putting away all his defenses. He is saying, I completely trust you. See, friends don’t carry swords and shields. They have scalpels and antiseptic.

When you carry a shield, you are always defending yourself. You think that when someone gives you a loving critique, that they are trying to hurt you. One of your favorite phrases is “No, that's not true about me.” That’s your shield. And then you get out your sword. “But let me tell you what your problem is.” You are like a Knight. Do you know how hard it is to hug a knight? When you carry a sword and shield, you’ll never be open, you’ll always either be on the defensive or on the attack...and you’ll never let real love....or real friendship in.

That's why the wisdom the Bible gives on friendship talks so much about putting away swords and shields and more about picking up surgical tools. Scalpels and antiseptic. Take a look at Proverbs 27:5-6; 9, 17.

Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Oil and perfume make the heart glad,
and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

If you take all of these proverbs together they are telling you being a friend is like performing surgery. Sometimes the things we say will cut our friends, but only enough to remove a cancer that’s killing them. Look at v 9- A friend is going to wound you, but it's the way a doctor wounds a patient. For his good. Its your enemy who only always affirms you. Gives you flattering kisses. You show your friends who you really are, and give them permission to tell you the parts of you that God wants to cut away.

But see, When friends deliver earnest counsel...it doesn’t come off like they are a jerk...instead it makes your heart glad. The counsel of a friend is sweet. Not because they are just telling you nice things...no, because they deliver those cuts with the antiseptic of love and grace. So you know their wounds are not to infect you...but to heal you.

And a true friendship isn’t just one person open, its Iron sharpening iron. Each friend gives counsel, and each receives counsel. Friends are both doctors and patients. Iron sharpens iron.

You know, Saul eventually came between David and Jonathan. But they kept their promises. After Saul tried to kill David in a jealous rage, Jonathan stuck up for David. Take a look at what happened in 1 Sam 20:30-31.

Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said to him, “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman, do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own shame, and to the shame of your mother's nakedness? For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, neither you nor your kingdom shall be established. Therefore send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die.”

According to Saul, Jonathan chose David...to his own shame. He lost his throne, he gave away his kingdom. But Saul’s appeal to Jonathan to deliver David over to die... well...it didn’t work. Because Jonathan’s ultimate goal wasn’t his own kingdom...it wasn’t his own glory...it was the glory of God. And that glory was going to come through David’s kingdom...not his own.

So Jonathan answered Saul and said, “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” And Saul threw a spear at Jonathan’s head. Do you see what’s happened? Jonathan has substituted his life for David. Jonathan has become so vulnerable, so open, that he is now taking the spear that was intended to kill David. And now, we’re at the heart of a true friend. At least as Jesus defined it.

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

This is what it looks like to be fully committed...steadfast to the end...and totally open...vulnerable to the point of death. And that’s why with all the confidence in the world, I can tell you...

3) Jesus died to make friends

If you’re anything like me, you are doing a lot of self-evaluation right now. And it feels like you are terrible friend. You probably are. I am too. In fact, I feel very vulnerable up here right now, because there are probably a lot of you that I’ve let down. Not that I should be or CAN be friends with everyone, but I know there are times that my friends have counted on me and I’ve let them down.

But the power to be a true friend doesn’t come from promising to do better. It comes from knowing that Jesus is better than Jonathan, he’s better than David, and he’s way better than I am. See, the truth is, that we are all going to let one another down. We are. You put your hope in me, I’ll fail you.

Just like I’ve failed God over and over. But see, God didn’t look at my failure...he didn’t look at my broken promises to “always be there” for him....and say FORGET YOU. I haven’t been open with God. In a lot of ways, I hide myself from him...as if he can’t see me.

Do you ever feel that way? That God was depending on you...and you let him down... and so now you just try to fade into the background, not be noticed...you hide? Look me in the eye. Look right now. Stop hiding. Jesus died to make you his friend. You know, eventually David did become king. And David was a good friend to Jonathan, but he grew to be a terrible friend to Uriah. In fact, he killed Uriah so he could have sex with Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba. That’s a pretty bad friend. That’s a friend that uses you. That uses his kingship to kill you to get what he wants. But remember, true friendship puts the sword down and picks up the scalpel. The greatest love is one friend laying down his life for another.

So David would go on to write a song to God. You can find it in Psalm 51. In the Psalm he told God, that he was hiding...and he asked God to forgive him...to cleanse his heart. In the Psalm he asks God not to cast him away...even though he deserved it, but instead renew him. To clean him up. To bring him close again. He asked For God to be steadfast...and to do heart surgery.

On the cross, Jesus answered David’s prayer. Because Jesus is the friend who never lets you down. Jesus is the friend who always lets you in. He’s the better Jonathan. Jesus didn’t just take David’s place, he took all of our places. He was hung, dying on a cross, totally naked, vulnerable and exposed. That’s what I deserved. Jesus didn't just have spear thrown at him. It actually pierced his side. For you.

Like Jonathan, Jesus made a commitment to you, and he was steadfast all the way to the cross. He was there for you at your lowest moment. He became your sin, so you could become his righteousness.

He took off his royal robes to his shame, on a cross...and he gave them to you. And because of his sacrifice, he looks at his Father and says, “Why should they be put to death? What have they done?”

See, Jesus is the better Jonathan, and the better David, because when we were shivering in fear, hiding in caves looking at the great number of our sins...and the giant size of our sins...he went out on our behalf...and at the cross...when he hung... there was a giant earthquake...like the Philistines heard when Jonathan charged them....like Israel heard when Goliath’s head hit the ground and now...if you trust him...you don’t have to be afraid anymore. Because his victory over sin and death is now yours. And You come charging out of that cave knowing your sin is gone. Like a frightened Philistine. Removed from you like Goliath’s head was removed from his body.

In Jesus, you’ve found the friend who left his heavenly kingdom, so you could be let in. Who looked at our addiction to ourselves and didn’t run but, was with us heart and soul

In the middle of our addiction, he committed to us. He said “I love you, whatever state you're in, ....I love you and I don't want you to be alone”.

Jesus came in GRACE and TRUTH. He faced our sins...he saw us at our worst, but on the cross, the sword that should have killed us turned to the scalpel that healed us. That’s Grace.

Now knowing that, think of the kind of friend you can be to others. Totally committed. Steadfast. Because even if the friend you commit yourself to deserts you...you know you have the steadfast love of God. He’s already died for you.

And you can be totally open. Ready receive the sweet rebuke of a friend...with no defenses up. Because you know, even if they use a sword instead of a scalpel...even if they point out your worst for evil motives...you know that Jesus has already taken the penalty for that sin. You can confess it and with confidence...and you can put it to death.

Then, of course, if you find another Christian, when you find the church. ...you can go shoulder to shoulder with us, committed to the Ultimate Purpose of the whole universe.

You can take off your robes and put them back on Jesus. Declaring to the world that Jesus is the REAL KING. And that he’s bringing a Kingdom. Where everything is new. And even in the face of the most difficult circumstances...like your dad throwing a spear at your head...you can know that one day, we’ll be shoulder to shoulder with all our friends...saying thank you to the One Friend who stuck closer than a brother.

Let me ask you? What are your friendships based on? If its any other purpose other than showing that Jesus is the real king...then you are settling for something shallow. Get off Facebook...and start making friends.